Softly and Quietly
by dream-sky-high
Summary: "Then it was like a picture montage in my head, his pale skin, his short bright red hair and his crooked grin. Then it was me shouting at him, a load of shit that I didn't mean flowing from my mouth in a river of lies... and now I would never be able to fix it."


There was a knock on my door.

It wasn't the kind of banging that my Dad did when he told me "Get the fuck up, lazy asshole" or the fumbled scratching that my brothers did when they want to go out and 'kill' some guy.

_It was soft and quiet_

"Mickey" then there was a sob. "Mickey, it's me. Can I come in?"

Mandy? What the hell did she want?

I pushed myself off the bed, rubbing my eyes as I went over and opened the door.

Her eyes were red and her whole body shaking with each sob.

"What's wrong with you?" I managed to choke out, my voice raspy from sleep

"I went over to the Gallagher's to see Lip and... and..."

The Gallagher's? I bet that Lip kid broke up with her again, I've lost count of the amount of times Mandy has come home cursing his name

"Don't come to me with your little relationship problems, look, let me sleep."

"No." She looked at me angrily for a second before wiping the tears from her cheeks "its Ian he's..." Another sob escaped her lips

_Ian?_

No.  
He couldn't of  
No.

I told him not to go, I told him don't.

But he went.

"They got this letter from the army... It was a roadside bombing. The fuckin' army didn't even say how." She was crying now, sliding down my door frame and ending up on the floor with her head in her hands.

_No._

He can't be gone, He can't have _died_

It's Gallagher for fuck sake, he's strong, he's reliable.

A bomb couldn't have stopped him, nothing could.

"Is this some kind of fucking joke? You think you can come in here and say that and I'll believe you?"

I was backing away now, fumbling in my pocket to get a cigarette. My hands were shaking.

She stood up and walked into her room, slamming the door behind her.

Then it was like a picture montage in my head, his pale skin, his short bright red hair and his crooked grin. Then it was me shouting at him, a load of shit that I didn't mean flowing from my mouth in a river of lies...

and now I won't be able to fix it.  
It's too late.

I couldn't breathe, I was just standing there in the centre of my room as the world came crashing down around me. I could feel the tears under my eyes but I refused to pay attention to them, I could feel or hear anything over the ringing in my ears.

Then before I know what I'm doing I'm walking down the street at 11pm straight towards the Gallagher house.

_It's quiet._

Everything is still and the cold air is painful to breathe in, freezing me from inside out.

Then I'm standing outside the door and I've never felt weaker.

I knock. _Softly and quietly._

It's the young girl who comes to the door, her hair is in pigtails and her eyes blotched red.

I open my mouth but no words come out.

She takes a staggered breath and turns around, disappearing into the house.

The cold air is killing me, my own mind is killing me, _this_ is killing me.

She comes into sight again and hands me a piece of paper, I know she is smart, I see knowing wisps in her eyes.  
The paper feels scratchy and alien in my hands then I see the Marine logo and it flutters from my fingers and it lands with a soft resolute patter on the floor.

Then she closes the door.

And I'm running and I'm screaming and the tears are falling like they've never fallen before because he was the fucking light in this shitty life.

He was reliable and strong and how did this happen?

And I'm running up to that goddamn roof, hurling stones at dusty walls because this was all my fault and he left because of me and he _died_ because of me.

I breathe in the stifling air and choke on my own tears, hammering my fists against the stone until I exhaust myself and collapse against a pillar.

And I say the words to an empty roof that I should have said months ago;

_"I love you."_

But I say it _softly and quietly_ so no one can hear.


End file.
